dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
