Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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