Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
