dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
