The maid of honor just puked.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
