Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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