walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize