im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
