You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
