i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
