Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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