chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
smell my finger.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
