I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just found a bag of teeth...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
