You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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