walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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