Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
