I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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