im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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