I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
