i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
