a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
false alarm. still invincible.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's shark week go big or go home
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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