In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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