i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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