I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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