Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
