dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
