He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
