I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
