Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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