I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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