I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize