Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Found your dick twin last night
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
