I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
