my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
