the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
