I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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