I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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