im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
