I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
