my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
