you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
