You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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