She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
