mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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