I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
