then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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