I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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