I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
