I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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