I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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