I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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