She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
