um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
