Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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