New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
