The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Randomize
