i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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