we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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