He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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