i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
