She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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