She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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