My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
