What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
