when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
