the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
