sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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