I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
